i'm very very tired. i've had a very productive day. brittany's younger sibling, elisabeth, tried to wake me up by tickling my face with a feather. i think my eyes were closed, i was pretending to be asleep. then she tied our dogs up with sparkly cloth. brittany, don't let her read this. she'll think i don't like her that much. *thinking thinking* but then she gave up waking me up because she and william are content to watch cartoons, play donkey kong country, and wreak havoc upon my art table. "wreak havoc upon" is an alanna quote. i said "dominate." alanna changed it because she thinks "wreak havoc upon" is more appropriate words. then we went to the hey arnold movie. they both wanted candy. we were going to make them share. but william wanted spree and elisabeth wanted tootsie rolls. so we made them get butter finger minis. they said it was fine. then william got really mad, but i got him his own drink and his own straw which i plucked from elisabeth's drink. then after the movie, mom wasn't there to pick us up. so alanna got the pay phone and i laid down on the bench. and the asian woman that owned the building said, "THAT IS WHERE PEOPLE SIT!" and snapped her fingers at me. so i sat up. and then the machine ate a alanna's quarters and made a beeping sound. so she whacked it like the primitive woman she is, only she didn't, and tried to use the other phone to see if the other phone was working and hers was not. and the asian woman said, "YOU HAVE TO PUT IN YOUR QUARTERS." and alanna said "it ate my quarters." and the asian woman said "YOU HAVE TO PUT IN YOUR QUARTERS." they argued persistently for another minute when alanna explained that she'd used her quarters. then the woman somehow got onto the crazy idea that "YOU CAN'T CALL CELL PHONE." alanna wasn't calling cell phone, and alanna told her she was not calling cell phone, and the woman said "YOU CAN'T CALL CELL PHONE." and then the woman said that alanna had been using the other phone when alanna was trying to see if it worked. the woman was treating us all like juvenile delinquints.
alanna: and elisabeth kept saying "she was a pain in my bwuut!" because obviously she was having fun saying the word bwuut.
and there was a LONG line of people, who were waiting to get in for a movie but they couldn't come inside until they got their tickets. but the woman had closed the happy ticket window. and a few people came inside to say "we need to buy some tickets" and she said "YOU CANNOT COME INSIDE WITHOUT TICKET" and it went on like that for a while until mom rescued us from the abyss and we left those poor people there. mom was late because she had been outside frolicking in the sunflowers quite literally.
and i was also in a show. i need to go to bed. someone said to me, "i liked it when you looked up and your hair was like frizz-fro and you were like 'I'm mad!' and all your little hairs were like 'I'm mad!'" and this person put their fingers up on their head and wiggled them around when they said the thing about the little hairs. i'm gonna conk out or something. excuse me. faint.

"Just stuffed full of surprises. No one ever knows what you're going to do next. The greatest mystery to you is, naturally, 'how do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bars?'"


What Pattern Are You?
so what they're telling me is that i'm a plaid caramilk? this is just getting better and better.

I am the Mad Hatter! You tend to confuse people, especially yourself. It doesn't matter, though, because you enjoy life as it's thrown to you, whether you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing (which most of the time you're not sure of). You've a friendly nature, but sometimes you're pretty damn overwhelming, you freak.

well the tv is all snowy like in the poltergiest and we're missing our favorite show called mary hartman mary hartman. (70s soap opera parody) i've seen it once. twice actually cuz there were two episodes in a row.
conversation between mom and dad and me:
morgan: *shouting at the snowy screen* I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, MISTER BRAUKOFF. I HOPE YOU DIE. WHAT HAPPENED? I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
and then it went away and i didn't shout anymore. and dad said "who is mister braukoff?" which a jolly chuckle. and then i said "i don't know." and then i got a case of the high-sterics. that silent kind while youre laughing and your shoulders go up and down but no sound comes out. yep.
YO-HOOOOO! YO-HOOOOOOOO!!
woo, don't know where that came from. but anyway.
dad said "look at morgan. isn't she funny?" he's talking to my mom. and mom says "no." and does her little stubborn turtle face. you know what face i'm talking about? and then dad is kind of upset cuz he thinks i'm funny and mom says "i think she's an idiot." and i laughed some more. and she said "holy muddah, mah dotta has half a brain" only she didn't exactly say that but it sounds better that way. and i said "i have fun with my half a brain." and then "because i'm happy that i have it" and mom said "long as you dont stick your hand through your ear and take it out and play with it."

i just got back from vacation (check out the travel blog). yes yes. do do. and on your way back could you pick up some potpourri and some strawberry crumpets? i don't know if they exist. but i've heard of cheese crumpets and i've heard of strawberry tarts. can we have a cheese tart? anyhow
i am in a show (check out the web site) in which i am very depressing. i have a monologue (which was mostly not written by me) that includes the words "i take up too much space. i wish that i were a little bit less, a little bit less, just a little bit less." the character i'm playing is an anorexic 12-year-old. ...maybe she's 13. but i bet she gets better. you know? yes yes. i am extremely insatiable.

speaketh, o sister!
oh no, but don't.
cuz the stoplight in the cafeteria will go off
we prayeth it won't.
but it do
and we aim our arrows high
and they flop to the floor
and we warriors that are STUPID
flop to the floor too.
but that night
we were stupid too
so we hideth in the laundry car-eth
driving to this godforsaken place-eth
and sneak into the cafeteria
with axes and shovels
and we kill the stoplight
with girlish giggles.
and shovels.
and then we wiggles.
with delight
like a krispy kreme
and then the rhino,
one miss rainwater,
carted us off to the juvenile court
each and every day
for vanalipism
"VANDALISM!" says miss rainwater "VANDALISM!"
"AAH A RHINO!" I speaketh.
then warriors we cart ourselves off somewhere else
and speakth o sister all we want
this one's not as good as other ones.
oh no i'm suffering from writer's block
but i will speaketh on!
the end

i am loud
i am sweet
there are things
i like to eat

i like my toes
and i like my ears
i like my brain
but thats just queers
(and guess what else
i like beer)

no beer is bad
it's not good
i drank some once
but i said i never would

i spit it out
and choked a bunch
and the teacher said "so THAT's what happened to your brain, morgan!"
and then we had to go to lunch
but there was no beer in my lunch
so i stood on the table and i said
"i like my toes
and i like my ears
i like my brain
but that's just queer!"
and i recited this poem among other things
and then the traffic light in our cafeteria went off
because i was being too loud

yes i'm loud
i am sweet
there are things i like to eat
but beer's not one of them

this is a continuation to the ferret/monkey story.
right-o. so the ferret/monkey did the hokey pokey and turned himself around and that's what it's all about. alas, this did not accomplish anything. oh woe. however, on the island, where everything begins with B, they were very high in stock of a drink they called Bull which was actually Red Bull which is good for the mind and body. Red Bull gives you wings! or, Bed Bull bives bou bings.
alanna: are you being paid to say this
did you know that our poptarts now have swirly marshmellow on the inside? YUM! don't you want some?
alanna: as your slave, i'm in shock.
YOU SHOULD BE!
alanna: are you actually offering poptarts to me?
NO, BUT YOU CAN BUY THEM AT SEESEL'S. which is now shluck's or whatever.
so the ferret/monkey drank some Bull and got some wings and flew away. remembering his unnatural craving for cheese and salad, the ferret/monkey writhed and thrashed around in the air as he flew. so he didn't end up in france exactly. we have to get the ferret/monkey a girlfriend, don't we? let's add that to my list of things to do.

List Of Things To Do
get the ferret/monkey a girlfriend
give Galadriel a hug because you know she's so depressed (and a little freaky)
go to new zealand. cart myself down there and tell elrond that the human race, or certain members like Dr. King and Ghandi and all my friends and me, are not that bad.
start recycling
call Kelly Osbourne
free my slave

WAIT! that last one wasn't in there! my slave is also my typist. she says things she doesn't mean. *PET PET PETs the slave*
alanna: *sob*
so the ferret/monkey landed on the sun. will he burn and he die?
alanna: yes
OR! is the sun a happy place? SLAVE????
the end ........almost

*crack whip crack whip* HAHHAHAAHAH. *crack* TYPE, SLAVE, TYPE! yes yes i hate you all. when i'm queen of the universe, i'll have you all killed. ok. i'm talkin bout Olive Garden here. i hate them.
ok so we went there Mother's Day weekend so Granny wouldn't cook and alanna and puddin (me) had a pizza and it was good. mmmmmm. but then came along a different kind of 'mmmmm' cuz you see, they were outta cheesecake. so i ordered this little pastry thing with ice cream on the side. little did i know that they had not given the pastry time to cool. it was miraculously awful. little did i know that when i cut myself a big piece and put it in my mouth.
alanna: the waitress said, 'be careful it's hot'!!!
no she didn't.
alanna: yes she did!!!
no she didn't.
alanna: yes she did!!!
SHUT UP, SLAVE! WHO'S THE STORYTELLER HERE? PUDDIN! (me) SO SHE DIDN'T SAY HOW HOT IT WAS. and then Puddin (me) went 'MMMMMMMMMM!!! MMMMMMMM!!!!!!" and flailed her arms about like an octopus
alanna: and turned quite red
and mom thought Puddin (me) was enjoying the meal, so i said, while my mouth was still full, "ih haw ih haw!!"
translation: it's hot it's hot!!
but then they told me i had ice cream. so i calmed down my tongue. but it was still painful. so i had a whole bunch of ice and then i finished my ice. and then i had the mints to cool down my tongue. and then on the way home, i put my tongue next to the air conditioning. meanwhile back at the castle, i had more ice. and a swollen tongue. and i'm going to sue the olive garden. oh this wasn't a very good story, was it? noooo. i'll tell you about the little thing that goes off in the cafeteria one day.
alanna: YOU NEVER DID!
SHUT UP, SLAVE!!!! I'LL TELL THEM ABOUT IT NOW! AGAIN
there's this little stoplight in the cafeteria at school. it's supposed to measure the volume. when we're quiet, it's green. when we get louder, it's yellow and my whole table shuts up. or sara snaps her finger at us. but it usually goes off anyway, when it gets to red. we hate it. so we shoot invisible arrows at it, but it always beeps again one day. it goes "BEEEEEEP" and we aren't allowed to talk. sometimes it goes "BEEEEEEP" during the five minutes of silence, so we think it's hooked up to some conspiracy. and because they can't get me for it, because i'm leaving the school, i'm going to kill it with a sledgehammer. YAYYYYYY! MMMMMMMMM. and there was music in Whoville.
this has been a short story by morgan stewart